20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America

The nation looked on in reverence Friday as 20,000 citizens were decapitated, dismembered, and burned alive in the name of Corporate America, continuing the age-old annual rite to ensure bounteous profits in the coming fiscal year.

Human sacrifice depicted using Playmobile stand-ins

. . . The blood offering follows last week’s Feast of Increasing Market Values, a yearly celebration during which Americans gather with their families under the second Q4 full moon to give thanks to corporations and to pray for cash dividends during the holiday shopping season.

Enjoy the Onion‘s take on a winter holiday ritual, click here.